Understanding Confidence

"Confidence" is a word people hear, use, or try to display often, but it’s not well understood. If we ask a search engine, we get the definition: “the feeling that you are sure about your own abilities, opinions, etc.” People may disagree on who is confident versus who is overconfident, but they almost always recognize when someone appears confident. Somehow, when we see it, we just know it.

If you ask an honest, confident person how they gained their confidence, they likely won’t have a clear answer. We do know it's an attractive quality, and most people want to either have it or at least appear to. For some, it seems to come naturally; for others, not at all.

A confident person tends to have the following characteristics:

• They are composed.
• They speak clearly and directly.
• They appear authentic.
• They command respect and exert influence.
• They remain graceful in conflict.

Everyone wants to be confident. To achieve that, many try to mimic these traits and most often fail. Tips and tricks on "how to be confident" don’t really help much.

Related Traits

Extrovert: These individuals genuinely enjoy being around other people. Pop culture often portrays confident people as extroverts, but real-world observation shows there isn’t a strong correlation. Most of us have seen people standing alone yet radiating confidence.

Open: Some people are open to new experiences and people. They try new or different things, enjoy variety over routine, and are imaginative & creative. Such people may give off a vibe of confidence. However, even very traditional and disciplined individuals, like those in the defense forces, appear equally confident.

Agreeable: Some people are naturally more agreeable. They are helpful and supportive, show empathy, and maintain harmony in relationships. But we shouldn’t confuse this with people who agree merely to avoid conflict or out of fear. Confident individuals may disagree openly and still come across as confident.

It seems extremely difficult to pin down exactly what constitutes confidence. Confidence is an umbrella term, an emergent quality. For example, what constitutes darkness? That’s a tricky question, but we know that darkness is the absence of light. This is the inversion technique. Perhaps we can apply this to confidence. 

What to Avoid?

If we can identify what to avoid, maybe confidence will naturally follow.

Avoid seeking attention, praise, or the spotlight. 

You can either move toward something, or it can come to you. The spotlight finds confident people; they don’t chase it.

Avoid the need for social validation or approval. 

This is the polar opposite of confidence. If you're sure of your work, appearance, or skills, external validation becomes unnecessary. This shouldn't be confused with arrogance, but there’s no need to actively seek approval. Seeking advice, however, is entirely different and welcome.

Avoid being reactive. 

Criticism doesn’t always require a response. If it comes as genuine advice, listen and evaluate later. If it’s meant to mock or belittle, a confident person treats it as noise, irrelevant, because they trust themselves.

Avoid overcontrol. 

The desire to control everything often stems from a fear of uncertainty. That doesn’t mean you stop planning or leave everything to fate. It means trusting your ability to deal with unexpected situations. That’s confidence in your capability.

Avoid boasting. 

If you constantly need to remind others of your achievements or superiority, they’re likely hollow. True capability speaks for itself. People will notice without being told. A confident person doesn’t care whether others know about their accomplishments; they’re secure regardless.

Conclusion

Confidence isn’t a checklist of traits. It’s the absence of certain negative tendencies. When those are eliminated, people perceive what's left as confidence. And people are naturally drawn to and influenced by those who carry it.